Only one person knows how Sam feels about this “lopsided sexual arrangement,” THROAT, and it isn’t me.

Zooming out for a second: People constantly ask me how the person they’re fucking or fisting or flogging feels about the fucking or fisting or flogging. Guys write to ask why women ghosted them; women write to ask if their boyfriends are secretly gay. And while I’m happy to speculate, I’m not a mind reader. Which means I have no way of knowing for sure why some woman ghosted you or whether your boyfriend is gay. Or in your case, THROAT, I have no way of knowing how Sam feels about the four norecip blowjobs he’s given you. Only Sam knows.

And that’s why I wrote you back, THROAT, and asked you for Sam’s contact information. Since you were clearly too afraid to ask Sam yourself (most likely for fear the blowjobs would stop), I offered to ask Sam on your behalf. I wasn’t serious—it was my way of saying, “You should ask Sam.” But you sent me Sam’s contact info, and a few minutes later I was chatting with Sam.

“Yes, I have been sucking my straight friend’s cock,” Sam said to me. “And I am flattered he told you I was good at it. That’s an ego booster!”

Sam, like THROAT, is 24 years old. He grew up on the East Coast and met THROAT early in his first year at college. Sam came out at the end of his freshman year, to THROAT and his other friends, and he now lives in a big city where he works in marketing when he isn’t sucking off THROAT.

My first question for Sam: Are you one of those gay guys who gets off on “servicing” straight guys?

“I’ve never done anything with a straight guy before this,” said Sam. “So, no, I’m not someone who is ‘into servicing straight guys.’ I have only ever dated and hooked up with gay guys before!”

So, why offer to blow THROAT?

“I didn’t know until after he broke up with his girlfriend that he hadn’t gotten a blowjob the whole time they were together—four years!” Sam said. “When I told him I’d be happy to help him out, I was joking. I swear I wasn’t making a pass at my straight friend! But there was this long pause, and then he got serious and said he’d be into it. I wondered for a minute if it would be weird for me to blow my friend, and there was definitely a bit of convincing each other that we were serious. When he started taking his clothes off, I thought, ‘So this is going to happen.’ It was not awkward after. We even started joking about it right away. I have sucked him off four more times since then.”

For those of you keeping score at home: Either THROAT lost count of the number of times Sam has blown him—THROAT said Sam has blown him three more times after that first blowjob—or THROAT got a fifth blowjob in the time that elapsed between sending me his letter and putting me in touch with Sam.

So, does this lopsided sexual arrangement—blowing a straight boy who’s never going to blow him back—bother Sam?

“I suppose it is a ‘lopsided sexual arrangement,’” said Sam. “But I don’t mind. I really like sucking dick and I’m really enjoying sucking his dick. He has a really nice dick! And from my perspective, we’re both having fun. And, yes, I’ve jacked off thinking about it after each time I sucked him. I know—now—that he thinks it is a bit unfair to me. But I don’t feel that way at all.”

So, there is something in it for Sam, THROAT. You get the blowjobs, Sam gets the memories. (Memories that he jerks off to later.) And Sam assumes that at some point, memories are all he’ll have.

“He will eventually get into a relationship with a woman again, and our arrangement will end,” said Sam. “I only hope nothing is weird between us in the future because of what has happened in the past few weeks.”

I had one last question: Sam is really good at sucking cock—he gives “earth-shattering” blowjobs, according to THROAT—but is THROAT any good at getting his cock sucked? As experienced cocksuckers know, a person can suck at getting their cock sucked: They can just lay/stand/sit there, giving you no feedback, or be too pushy or not pushy enough, etc.

“That’s a really good question,” Sam said. “I have to say, he is very good at it. He really gets into it, he moans, he talks about how good it feels, and he lasts a long time. That’s part of what makes sucking his cock so much fun.”

Dear Readers: It’s me again. I got a lot of letters in response to THROAT’s question. This one appeared in the column the following week. — Dan

You ran a letter about a gay man (“Sam”)…

Go to Savage.Love to read the rest. Beginning next week, November 14th, Savage Love will be exclusively available online at Savage.Love. Find Dan there!

The post Savage Love: A Gay Friend Has Been Giving Me Occasional Blowjobs. Am I Using Him? appeared first on Cleveland Scene.

I’m a woman in a hetero marriage. We’ve happily played with others a bit but not recently because we have a small child. We are both bi and in our 40s. We talked about getting the monkeypox vaccine, but I didn’t think it was urgent because we’re not currently having sex with anyone else. Here’s my question: What should I do after learning that my husband got the monkeypox vaccine without telling me? I noticed a red bump on his arm, and he said it was nothing. After I said it looked like the monkeypox vax reaction, he admitted he got the vaccine but didn’t tell me. I was in favor of him getting the vaccine, so I’m totally panicking because he sneaked to get the shot. I think he’s cheating. It’s 2 AM where I am, and I just ordered two at-home HIV/AIDS tests and I’m getting a full STI panel at my OB GYN on Monday. What should I do?I’m a wreck.

—Seriously Panicking Over Unapproved Shot And Lies

By the time you read this, SPOUSAL, those at-home HIV/AIDS tests will have arrived, and you will have your results. You’ll also have seen your OB GYN and most likely gotten the results of your STI tests. Assuming there were no unpleasant surprises — assuming you’re still negative for all the same things you were negative for the last time you tested — what does that mean?

While I don’t wanna cause you another sleepless night, SPOUSAL, your test results can all be negative and your husband could still be cheating on you. But in the absence of other evidence — in the absence of any actual evidence that your husband has cheated on you — I think your husband deserves the benefit of the doubt.

Getting the monkeypox vaccine is the only fact in evidence here, SPOUSAL, and it’s a huge leap from, “My husband got the monkeypox vaccine without telling me,” and, “My husband has been cheating on me with other men during a public health crisis that has primarily impacted gay and bi men and wasn’t using condoms with those other men and knowingly put me at risk of contracting monkeypox and HIV.” If your husband has a history of being reckless about his own sexual health and yours — if he tried to go bare without your consent when you played with other people, for example, and that incident and others like it fueled your freakout — I don’t understand why you’re still married to this man.

Zooming out for a second…

I can think of a few very good reasons why a married bi guy might decide to get the monkeypox vaccine even if his partner wanted him to wait. First, those shots haven’t been easy to get. If the vaccine became available where you live and/or his doctor offered it to him, it was a good idea for him to get his shots even if he’s not currently sleeping with anyone else. And why would his partner — why would you — want him to wait? If you didn’t want him to get those shots as some sort of insurance policy, e.g., if you wanted cheating to be needlessly and avoidably risky as some sort of deterrent, that seems pretty reckless.

Sometimes, SPOUSAL, the likely excuse is the honest answer. I’m guessing your husband got his shots because he hopes you — the both of you — can start playing with others again in the near future and he wants to be ready. Guys have to wait a month after getting their first shot before getting their second shot, and another two weeks after that before they’re fully immune. (Or as immune as they’re going to get.) If your husband has been looking forward to opening your relationship back up — by mutual consent — sometime in the near future, he most likely wanted to be ready to go when you decided, together, to resume playing with others. And he didn’t tell you he was getting the shots because, although he wanted to be ready to go when the time came, he knew you weren’t ready and didn’t want you to feel rushed or pressured.

My analysis of the situation presumes your husband isn’t a lying, cheating, inconsiderate, reckless asshole and deserves the benefit of the doubt here. You know your husband better than I do, SPOUSAL, and it’s entirely possible that your husband has proven himself to be a liar and a cheat and an inconsiderate asshole and a reckless idiot again and again and again.

But if that’s the case — if he’s all of those horrible, no-good, disqualifying things and, therefore, not deserving the benefit of the doubt here — I would ask you again (and again and again): Why are you still married to him then?

I need advice as to how to restart the “sex with others” part of my life because cancer surgery left me without erections, and it is not fixable. I can have intense orgasms if I masturbate or get oral sex on my flaccid penis. I am a 73-year-old male, and I have been into kink since I was a teen, so I understand that there is much more than PIV that can give one pleasure. I also understand that for the vast majority of people, PIV is what sex is about. People come on to me often, so I have no problem attracting people. What is your advice as to how to present this issue when someone shows interest in me? With online dating, I would like to be upfront and put it in my profile, but I’m a public figure and can’t just post a picture of myself in a dating app and disclose this. Do you have any suggestions about dating online where I can omit putting my picture? I’m attracted to females, cis and trans. I have never been with a transgender woman, but after surviving cancer I am more open to everything now than I was before. (Seeing the end of life up close really removes a lot of blocks.) I am not attracted to males at all. What word best to describes my sexual likes?

—Giving But Not Hard

You’re…

Go to Savage.Love to read the rest.

The post Savage Love: My Husband Secretly Got Vaccinated for Monkeypox. Is He Cheating On Me? appeared first on Cleveland Scene.

Can someone be both homosexual and asexual? I can’t wrap my brain around this one.

Sure, a person can be asexual while also being homosexual… because asexuality is a spectrum, and that spectrum is broad and vast and includes people who experience sexual attraction and sometimes choose to act on their sexual attraction. Basically, some asexual guys want boyfriends but don’t wanna fuck ‘em at all, other asexual guys want boyfriends but don’t wanna fuck ‘em much. It’s really not that confusing… unless you happen to be dating a guy who either doesn’t know he’s asexual or knows it and hasn’t told you, in which case you’re likely to be as confused as you are frustrated.

I’m a recently divorced 53-year-old bi-curious woman living on the East Coast. I was with my ex for most of my life and he never mentioned this, but since I have begun dating, each new partner has told me how tight I am. You would think this was a good thing! I recently began dating a man who says he loves how tight I am. However, he also says it is making him come quickly. His marriage recently ended too, so he hasn’t had a lot of sexual experience either. So, I don’t know if he just comes quickly or if it’s because of me. Do you have any suggestions?

Maybe it’s you — maybe it’s that you’re tight (which most men regard as a good thing) — or maybe he’s a premature ejaculator and he’d rather blame you than admit to it. Either way, don’t let him stick his dick in you until after he’s made you come at least once.

Why do all the gay guys in my age group — guys I like — not want me? And why do only a few men above my age group — guys I also like — want me?

It’s a mystery — a mystery best pondered sitting on the dick of an older guy who wanted you and got you.

Any tips for safe sex during threesomes? Thinking about having a MFF threesome!

There’s no such thing as safe sex, there’s only safer sex. To be completely safe, skip the threesome, stay home, and take a nice, long, relaxing bath instead. Or not. According to the CDC, every year a quarter of a million people wind up in the emergency room after a fall in the bathroom and thousands more never make it to the ER because they DIED naked, wet, and alone after falling out of their tubs. Meanwhile, fewer than 50,000 people are diagnosed with primary and secondary syphilis annually. So, you’re probably safer at that threesome — provided you don’t shower before or after it. Or ever again. (Full disclosure: Almost 700,000 people got gonorrhea in 2020 and 1.5 million people got chlamydia.)

As for making the sex safer, get tested, share your STI statuses, and use condoms. (Condoms, when correctly used, will protect you from syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, HIV, and pregnancy.) Basically, follow the same risk-reduction strategies you would follow for a twosome — with one addition: if M wants to fuck both Fs, he needs to change condoms each time he swaps holes. And to make your threesome emotionally safer, all three of you should be clear about what you do and don’t want, and everyone should agree — out loud — that if someone feels left out, unsafe, or uncomfortable, they can call a timeout without the other two pouting about it.

Newly non-monogamous and dating after 16 years of monogamy. How to lighten the “let down” feeling when a date I’ve been looking forward to is over and I have to go back to my “regular” life?

Your marriage, aka your “regular” life, will fall apart if fun (going out, doing things, having adventures) is reserved for dates and stress (paying bills, doing chores, raising kids) is reserved for your spouse. New-relationship-energy-infused dates are effortless fun (usually), whereas keeping things fun with a spouse requires thought, effort, and MDMA.

You always say that a new dad has to be willing to go with little or no sex for a long time and can’t bring up non-monogamy. Does the same go for the mom if she’s the one who wants it more?

Women who’ve just given birth are usually less interested in (or capable of) sex for all the obvious reasons (physical trauma, physical exhaustion, emotional exhaustion), but studies have shown that men’s testosterone levels dip after becoming fathers, which can tank their libidos. Regardless of who wants it more, the best time for two people to discuss non-monogamy is BEFORE they’ve scrambled their DNA together, not after. If you didn’t have that conversation before becoming parents, you should wait a year — at least — before bringing it up.

In college my boyfriend found out his girlfriend was cheating on him with a friend. He told his friend he didn’t care, since he was planning to break up with his girlfriend at the end of the semester, and they both kept fucking her. She didn’t know they both knew. What she did was wrong (cheating), but I think my boyfriend and his friend did something worse, as she didn’t know she was being “shared” like this. How do I get my boyfriend to understand?

Sharing your boyfriend…

There is more to this week’s Savage Love. To read the entire column, go to Savage.Love.

The post Savage Love: Can Someone Be Homosexual and Asexual? appeared first on Cleveland Scene.

—Massive Orgasms And Neurological Symptoms

Some people get intense headaches immediately before or after climaxing, and while “sex headaches,” as their doctors call them, can be extremely annoying, they’re not life-threatening. If you’re using Viagra or poppers (which should never be used together), that could be causing or worsening your sex headaches.

As for your other symptoms, a recent study written up in The Times of London could offer some guidance. The study, published in a peer-reviewed medical journal, focused on post orgasmic illness syndrome (POIS), a rare sexual dysfunction that afflicts a tiny percentage of men. Basically, men can become allergic to their own sperm cells, and their own immune systems mount a response to those “left behind” sperm cells that exit the balls but not the body.

“Many health providers do not know about it, let alone the public,” the study’s lead author, Andrew Shanholtzer, a medical student at Oakland University, told The Times of London. “It is more than likely that it is underdiagnosed, with many sufferers out there.”

Seeing as symptoms include feelings of fatigue, disorientation, and headaches, along with an assortment of flu-like symptoms, MOANS, it’s possible that you’re one of those undiagnosed sufferers.

The study details how Shanholtzer treated a younger POIS sufferer whose symptoms sounded a lot worse (and a lot less fun) than yours: a cough, swollen lymph nodes, hives. The use of an antihistamine reduced the severity of this man’s symptoms by more than 90%. The study will be published in the November 2022 issue of Urology Case Reports (“Post orgasmic illness syndrome successfully treated with antihistamine: A case report,” Shanholtzer, et al), if you want to print it out, show it to your doctor, and give the recommended antihistamine — fexofenadine — a try. Or, hey, maybe it was the Prozac you briefly took 15 years ago and an antihistamine won’t help.

All that said, MOANS, we all gotta go sometime… and I can think of much worse ways than being taken out by a massive orgasm in my eighth decade of life.

I’m a 41-year-old dude who has been monogamously married for 22 years. I know you’re doing the math and, no, it wasn’t a shotgun wedding. We were high school lovelies who went to college, got our degrees, got married, and established our careers before having two kids. Both our kids, who are still young, have been diagnosed autistic. Needless to say, our lives have become more challenging. About two years ago, my partner fell in love with another woman (X) and asked if we could try polyamory. She asserts that her love for X does not diminish her feelings for me, and that, in part, X represents an escape from life’s challenges. I believe her, but that hasn’t made it easier for me. I’ve tried to be as supportive as possible, which has included developing a meaningful, loving, and sexually active relationship with X myself. However, the process of settling into polyamory has created more distance between us (me and my wife) than I would like. Further complicating matters, I’ve developed a strong connection with another woman (Y), and even though Y has strongly suggested the feelings are mutual, she’s in a long-term relationship that appears happy and monogamous. I want to tell Y I love her, but I haven’t out of respect for Y, her partner, and their young kids. I am also nervous about losing Y as a friend. Can telling someone you love them ever go wrong?

—Paralyzed Over Love’s Yearning

You’ve got a wife, you and your wife currently share a girlfriend…

There is more to this week’s Savage Love. To read the entire column, go to Savage.Love.

The post Savage Love: Help! My Orgasms Are Physically Debilitating appeared first on Cleveland Scene.

—Don’t Overwhelm My Spouse

“Let me address the elephant in the room right away,” said Rena Martine. “Why on earth would a survivor of sexual trauma actually want to engage in D/s sex?”

Martine is a sexual intimacy coach who has helped couples explore BDSM and other forms of erotic power exchange. She’s also a former sex crimes prosecutor, which makes her particularly sensitive to issues faced by survivors of sexual assault and abuse.

“When it comes to trauma, there’s a concept known as ‘restaging,’” said Martine, “which means the trauma survivor takes a situation where they felt powerless and ‘restages’ it, so they’re actually in the director’s chair and choosing to give up some of that control.”

While BDSM isn’t therapy, some people who have submissive desires and traumatic sexual histories find giving up control to a trusted partner empowering and low-key therapeutic. Instead of control being something an untrustworthy abuser took from them, control becomes a precious thing they loaned to someone they could trust. And when they handed it over, they knew it would be returned, either at a set time or immediately if the sub used their safe word.

“Research by Dr. Justin Lehmiller tells us that victims of sex crimes are actually more likely than nonvictims to fantasize about almost all aspects of BDSM,” added Martine. “Anyone who’s curious about the science of sexual fantasies should read his book, Tell Me What You Want. And Holly Richmond’s Reclaiming Pleasure is a great starting point for any sexual assault survivor.”

Before you attempt to engage in D/s play or even begin to discuss your fantasies in detail, Martine recommends thinking about the emotional needs that shape these fantasies.

“What is it about domination and submission that appeals to each of them?” Martine said. “What aspects of D/s play are they excited about? Having a conversation about the ‘why’ will ensure they can each approach this new dynamic from a place of compassion and safety.”

Now, if you give thought to the “why,” DOMS, and your honest answer is, “Because it turns me on,” that’s good enough. And if your spouse’s honest answer is, “Because my partner is interested in this and I’m interested in exploring it,” that’s good enough. While some people into BDSM can point to one specific experience or something that shaped them more broadly (like a religious upbringing), you don’t need to justify your interest in D/s or BDSM by making a list of traumatic experiences. If this kind of play — this kind of theater for two — turns you both on, that’s a perfectly valid reason to explore D/s play.

As for getting started, Martine had a really good suggestion.

“My favorite newbie recommendation for easing into D/s play is using a sleep mask,” said Martine. “It’s innocuous, easy to remove, and gives each player a chance to practice surrendering control by giving up one of their five senses.”

Taking a baby step like that — playing with a simple blindfold and nothing else — is a great way to test the waters while you keep talking about other “junior varsity” kinks you and your spouse feel safe exploring together.

“And for general D/s tips,” said Martine, “check out Lina Dune’s Ask A Sub podcast.”

Follow Rena Martine on Instagram @_rena.martine_.

I’m a hetero 40-year-old woman, married to a guy who is very skilled and generous in bed. I’m also someone who absolutely needs to be in control of my body. I’ve never done drugs and only once got so drunk I didn’t remember every detail of the night. I hated that feeling. I think this need for control is why I don’t like having orgasms. I enjoy the feeling that comes immediately before an orgasm but then my body seems to suppress that last bit. Because I don’t enjoy the feeling of actual orgasms, this is fine with me. On the very rare occasions that I’ve had an orgasm, I feel gross after. But I could happily screw all night with no orgasm! I’ve discussed this with my husband, and he said that as long as I was having my best experience, he was not upset that I wasn’t having orgasms. But a friend — a friend I don’t have sex with— is convinced my aversion is a symptom of some sort of emotional scar. I did have some negative sexual experiences in the past, but I dealt with them and moved on. Should I explore this aversion even though the only person concerned is someone I don’t have sex with? Or can I be an emotionally whole person who just prefers the pre-gasm to orgasm?

—Personally Prefer Pre-gasms

It doesn’t sound like…

There is more to this week’s Savage Love. To read the entire column, go to Savage.Love.

The post Savage Love: My Wife Was Sexually Assaulted in Her Past. How Can I Safely Introduce BDSM Into Our Sex Life? appeared first on Cleveland Scene.

I’ve looked to some older, wiser friends and mentors for support about some of these experiences, but I am often told that I should “enjoy the attention while I’m young” or that I should expect this behavior because of how my body looks and how I dress. Some of my friends have told me not to take things so personally and that some guys just see me as their gay Black fantasy come to life. Is this really what I have to look forward to in my romantic journey? Parts of me wonder if some of my challenges are about my blackness. I know this is not always the case, and honestly there’s a feeling of shame to even bring this up as if I’m using my race as an excuse for my problems. But my experiences have been so different from my white friends and mentors that I’m unsure. I’m seeing a therapist who is a person of color who has been helping me with my blackness and sexuality. But my big question for you is this: Am I doing something wrong? Or am I navigating the same challenges other queer people of color face?

–All Around Confused

Your therapist is both better qualified and in a better position to help you parse the challenges imposed on you as a queer person of color, the challenges imposed on you by your experiences growing up, and the challenges you may be imposing on yourself. But I will say this: there’s nothing shameful about wondering whether your blackness — along with other people’s racism, your own internalized antiblackness, and other forces beyond your control — may be interfering with your happiness.

But I will say this, AAC: You deserved better from your family and friends growing up; you deserve better from your friends, mentors, romantic partners, sex partners, and strangers at Target now. You should be able to wear what you want without guys touching you without your consent. No one should be pressuring you to have sex you didn’t explicitly say yes to and/or have already explicitly said no to. And if being someone else’s “gay Black fantasy come to life” was something you enjoyed doing — if stepping in and out of that role was something you wanted to do for yourself — that would be one thing. But you shouldn’t be consigned to that role by strangers, AAC, and it troubles me that your friends think you should have to tolerate it, much less embrace it.

As for whether you’re doing something wrong…

There are guys out there who’ve done everything right and still haven’t managed to find — into their mid-30s — a relationship they want. Remember, AAC, it’s not as simple as finding a guy who wants the same relationship model you do, i.e., the loving and monogamous model over the loving and non-monogamous model. You have to find someone who wants what you want and that you’re sexually compatible with. It should go without saying that sexual compatibility is hugely important in sexually exclusive relationships, but I’m saying it because people enter into sexually exclusive relationships with people they don’t click with sexually all the fucking time. (Seriously, some weeks it’s half the mail.) But sexual compatibility by itself isn’t enough. You also have to find someone whose career, life, and family goals align with your own. And at some point, AAC, you will have to compromise. You may find a guy who wants monogamy but also other things (kids? poodles? tit rings?) that you do not. Or you may find a guy you click with sexually, emotionally, and socially but who doesn’t want monogamy or won’t want it forever. You may not want it forever. To make a relationship work over the short term, you will have to negotiate and make compromises; to make one work over the long term, you will have to renegotiate and revisit those compromises.

Two final things…

First, I’d like to invite gay or queer Black readers to jump into the comments thread and share your experiences and insights with AAC. And if you’ve never seen the film Tongues Untied, AAC, you might want to sit down to watch it. Marlon T. Rigg’s 1989 documentary about what it means to be Black and gay in our culture is just as relevant now as it was 30 years ago. Everyone should watch it.

Would you mind reminding your gay male readers that it’s rude to take pictures of strangers in public? (I guess men do this to masturbate to them later?) I’m a straight man who has lived in Seattle for four years and what gay men do to random male pedestrians here ranges from nuisance to battery. It’s usually innocuous: I’m walking down the sidewalk, a gay man and his friends see me, whisper together, start giggling, then one of them pretends to take a photo of their group when they’re really taking a photo of me. This happens every half mile. Other times, gay men straight up just take my picture. Sometimes one will step directly in front of me, hoping to bump into me for a “meet cute.” Yesterday, I was walking, and I see three 50-year-old men huddling together, and when I looked up all three were taking my picture. I ignored it, but I hate it. I kept walking but three other gay men were up ahead, and they stepped directly in front of me to block my way. One of them intentionally took a big step to the side, and when I was still passing, elbowed me “accidentally,” then turned to me laughing and said, “Oh, sorry!”

I’m sure most gay men would claim to never engage in such behavior. But when they get in groups, they allow their friends to do things they wouldn’t otherwise do. It’s cowardly and it needs to stop.

—Sneakily Taking Other Peoples Pics Is Completely Shitty

Gay men in Seattle…

Go to Savage.Love to read the rest.

***
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The post Savage Love: I’m Tired of Being Treated Like a Gay Black Fantasy Come to Life appeared first on Cleveland Scene.

At a party recently I was chatting with a parent who mentioned that he lets his (elementary school age) kids look at porn. He had a laissez-faire attitude about the whole thing, but I found it disturbing. Am I being a judge-y childless witch?

There were no middle schools where I grew up, so an “elementary school age” child could be a six-year-old first grader or 14-year-old eighth grader. For the record: I obviously don’t think a six-year-old should view porn, and a responsible parent would not allow a young child to view pornography. I also know it’s almost impossible for a parent to stop a motivated 14-year-old kid from looking at porn. So, if this man’s children are older, perhaps he said, “lets his kids,” when he meant, “can’t stop his kids.” Whatever his kids’ ages, you can’t stop him from not stopping his kid from looking at porn, but you are free to offer him some unsolicited advice. (Is there anything parents enjoy more?) You could also send him the clip of Billie Eilish on Howard Stern talking about how watching porn at a young age really messed with her head.

My husband likes to be naked all the time at home. I think he should cover up when he’s in front of the big window in our front room and can be seen from the street, but he says I am being body shame-y. What do you think?

I dated a guy who thought he should be able to walk around in front of his large picture windows at home, naked and sometimes hard (morning wood-y), and he was adamant about it. And then one day the police came and arrested him for indecent exposure. Anyway, you should put up curtains and/or plant some tall bushes in front of those picture windows.

44-year-old here who’s on the dating scene for the first time in 11 years. A few months ago, I hit it off with a hot, hot guy. Great! My problem/question is about distractions during sex, and I need a sanity check. Once during intercourse, Hot Guy called out an answer to an NPR news quiz that was playing in the background. Is this behavior rude? I’m operating under the assumption that if one’s mind wanders during sex, one should at least pretend to be focused.

“Maybe this letter writer should’ve chosen a more appropriate time for intimate relations—like when This American Life is playing,” said Peter Sagal, the host of Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me!, National Public Radio’s long-running news quiz program. “Still, I completely understand why the letter writer would be offended by this man’s behavior. First, by thinking our show would be appropriate as an audio background for lovemaking—although Bill Kurtis is known, for good reason, as the Barry White of anchormen. And second, the fact that he actually answered questions out loud while in flagrante. But the letter writer shouldn’t think he was completely ignoring her to concentrate on us: our questions aren’t that hard.”

Follow Peter Sagal on Twitter @PeterSagal.

Been playing with one of my fellow guys recently—I’m a gay guy—who says he’s into men, but who absolutely refuses to let me (or anyone else) touch his butt. What is this?

The Ass Ceiling. (It’s also a boundary of his, and one you must respect—but you’re free to ask him about it. Conversations, even follow-up conversations, about limits, boundaries, and reasonable expectations are not inherently coercive. Wanting to better understand a “no” doesn’t mean you didn’t hear it and don’t respect it. But at the start of a follow-up conversation like that, you need to emphasize that you did, indeed, hear that “no,” and will, of course, continue to respect it.)

I’m a 40-year-old cis het man. For more than 20 years—most of my life so far—I’ve been obsessed with one woman. We were never a couple, and I haven’t had contact with her since my mid-20s. How to get past this? The easiest way would probably be to start a relationship with another woman. Or I could get therapy—but I don’t know if my insurance would cover it.

Some days my Instagram feed is mostly memes about how straight guys will do literally anything to avoid getting the therapy they clearly need… and your question brought every one of those memes to mind. I mean, you’ve been miserable for almost two decades and you can’t be bothered to check whether your health insurance covers the therapy you so clearly need? Jesus, dude. Make that phone call, get some therapy, don’t date anyone until you’ve been seeing your therapist for at least a year.

My husband and I (bio female, newly transmasc) recently became poly. We have created a “closed kitchen table poly quad” with our two best friends. The breakdown is one older married couple, one younger engaged couple, and it’s getting serious. We are now talking about moving in together. Any tips on living together for poly newbies? I think we have a chance at making it work long-term, but I don’t want to add pressure.

Here’s a tip for poly newbies: don’t move in with other singles, couples, triads, battalions, etc., you just started dating. If moving in together is the right thing to do, moving in together will still be the right thing three years from now. If it’s the wrong thing to do, moving in together will be a disaster three months from now. Take it slow.

A date recently tried acting out a Daddy Dom roleplay with me. I don’t want to judge, but…

There is more to this week’s Savage Love. To read the entire column, go to Savage.Love.

The post Savage Love: Kids Watching Porn, Naked Husbands, and NPR During Sex? appeared first on Cleveland Scene.

At the time I checked his phone, I also found strange messages to one of his male friends. My BF sent this guy nudes and videos of him having sex with other women. (This was before we met.) There were also messages detailing how much they admired and missed each other’s cocks, and my boyfriend said he wanted to fuck other women with his friend. When I asked him about his relationship with this man, he said that they are just good friends, and that this kind of sexting was “something straight guys do.” I don’t think any of my past straight boyfriends ever talked about missing other guys’ cocks, but this is the first boyfriend whose phone I ever checked for shenanigans. Is this something straight guys do?

—Straight Men Exchanging Long Lusty Texts Exuding Sexual Tension

Your boyfriend made the rule — no contact with exes (not even eye contact on the subway?) — but at some point, after the lying and gaslighting, you became the enforcer: digging through his phone, ordering him to block his exes, take down framed photos, etc.

He was apparently willing to overlook your snooping, SMELLTEST, seeing as you’re still together. And you were apparently willing to overlook the mountain of incriminating evidence you found on his phone. While you honored his “no contact with exes” rule from the start, he was swapping texts, sexts, and photos with his exes the whole time, lurking on dating apps, and maintaining multiple Instagram accounts. You concluded he hadn’t cheated on you — he just broke his own stupid rule — but in my experience, SMELLTEST, “rules for thee, not for me” types are rarely very good at honoring monogamous commitments over the long term. I’m not saying he’s cheated on you already, but if not getting cheated on ever is important to you… he might not be the guy.

As for his claim that swapping dick pics and compliments are things straight guys do…

I haven’t had a chance to snoop through Harry Styles’ phone, SMELLTEST, so I can’t definitively say that no straight guy has ever sent another straight guy his dick pics. (Or spat on another straight guy at a film premiere.) And seeing as lots of straight men enjoy playing “gay chicken” these days (and posting the videos to TikTok), it stands to reason that some straight guys may be swapping dick pics and ironic messages about how badly they want each other’s cocks for the lols. But I don’t think that kind of behavior is common among straight guys, particularly straight guys in their 40s.

My hunch is that your guy had and enjoyed a few MMF threesomes with this guy before you met, and it was in that context — with a woman in the room to heterosexualize any incidental homosexual contact — that he came to appreciate his friend’s cock. Seeing as you dug through his phone long enough to find all the dating apps he’s on, all the messages he’d been swapping with ex-girlfriends, and all those fake Instagram accounts, SMELLTEST, if he was bisexual you probably would’ve found messages he’d sent to other men and his Grindr, Scruff, and Sniffies accounts too.

If this friend is the only guy your boyfriend has ever messed around with, SMELLTEST, if that one guy’s cock is the only cock he’s ever wanted to push past his tonsils, your boyfriend is free to round himself down to straight. I also don’t think having messed around with this one dude makes them “exes” in the romantic/dating sense of the term, and I think you should let your boyfriend put his picture back up.

Finally, SMELLTEST, what the two of you are doing — this guy with his no-contact rules about exes and his lies, you with your snooping and demands to take down photos — sounds so exhausting. Is this a relationship or a police state? If he can manage to remain monogamous and gets a charge out of swapping dick pics with an old friend, what harm is there in that? Why not let him have that? And if the guy was hot… why not let both of them have you?

P.S. I hope those videos you BF sent his friend of him having sex with other women were taken with the consent of those other women and that he had their permission to share those videos with his friend.

Most of your readers starts with specifying their sexual orientation, age, and sex. Some of this information…

There is more to this week’s Savage Love. To read the entire column, go to Savage.Love.

The post Savage Love: My Straight Boyfriend Sent His Male Friend Nudes and Says This Is Just Something Dudes Do? appeared first on Cleveland Scene.

I’m a 38-year-old cis het woman who is also a public high school teacher in a small town. After a string of unsatisfying relationships in my 20s, I realized that I’ve only experienced sexual pleasure without a partner. Despite being excited by the idea of partnered sex, once there’s a dick inside me, I hate it. Only one thing still seemed appealing: receiving oral sex. I’d love that with someone skilled. By age 33, I gave up dating since finding a partner only interested in going down on me seemed both impossible and selfish. I put all my energy into my career, my family, and my community. After years of fighting the fascism that is gaining hold in our public schools, I’m burnt out and my standard self-care routines aren’t cutting it. I’m considering seeking companionship once again. Is there an easy way to find a partner interested in eating me out but not (or only rarely) anything else? I know the best options are the apps but there are parents as well as former students on those. I already have a target on my back as a liberal teacher. I can’t afford to get caught seeking sex online and the time and energy to date before disclosing my sexual preference sounds exhausting. I don’t want another apple-themed gift. I want my pussy licked.

—Teacher After Cunnilingus Only

Why would anyone want to be a teacher these days?

Outraged parents, shit pay, shittier governors, racist demagoguery, book bans, “don’t say gay” laws… and on top of all that, not being free to look for sex where everyone else does these days — on the apps — because you might get spotted by a parent who is also looking for sex on the apps and then get attacked at a school board meeting that makes the local news and goes viral and then have to endure a month of death threats after getting dragged on Libs of TikTok and Fox News.

According to ABC News, fewer and fewer people these days do want to be teachers. There are 300,000 teacher and school staff vacancies in the United States right now, a situation the Washington Post describes as “catastrophic,” with red states and Trump counties experiencing the worst shortages. Which should come as no surprise to anyone who’s been paying attention, as red states and rural areas are overrun with precisely the kind of deranged Trump supporters and other assorted conspiracy theorists who keep attacking teachers and school librarians and administrators.

But there are shortages of teachers in more progressive places too, TACO, which means you could easily get a job in a big city in a blue state. Not only would you be less likely to be spotted on the apps by a parent with a kid in your school in a blue state (because there a lot more people on the apps in big cities), you would also be far less likely to be attacked by a parent who did spot you on an app. (Less likely to get attacked, more likely to get licked.) And just as the governors of blue states think you should be able to teach about, oh, slavery and redlining and segregation and Jim Crow (and the Chinese Exclusion Act and Japanese internment camps during WWII and the Trail of Tears and on and on), most blue state governors would be fine with you getting your pussy licked — on your own time, by other consenting adults — if that’s what you want.

Hoping to get some tips from other teachers, I shared your email on Twitter. Suggestions ranged from getting on FetLife, which can be a problematic place, to checking out — and perhaps posting on — the r/RandomActsOfMuffDive subreddit on Reddit. And more than a few of my followers wondered whether you might prefer a woman to a man, seeing as you never really cared for dick.

Being a gay dude, however, I know plenty of people who are attracted to men but don’t enjoy getting fucked. (Some guys are tops, some guys are sides.) Luckily for you, TACO, there are straight and bi men out there who only want to eat pussy. I’ve heard from scores of them over the years. Some had severe erectile dysfunction and preferred succeeding at cunnilingus to failing at vaginal intercourse; others were straight male submissives who wanted to orally service a woman without getting anything in return; and more than a few were men who loved eating pussy and somehow wound up married to women who hated oral sex and these men wanted to find women to go down on — and just go down on — outside their relationships, with their wives’ permission (in some cases) or without it (in most cases).

But to find them you’re going to have to get on the apps, TACO, which may mean getting out of your small town.

Gay kinky sub here and after quite a few years of meeting guys in bars, online, apps, etc., I’m questioning if there are…

There is more to this week’s Savage Love. To read the entire column, go to Savage.Love.

The post Savage Love: I’m a Small Town Public School Teacher. How Do I Find Casual Hookups Without Everyone Finding Out? appeared first on Cleveland Scene.

—Behaves Like A Boyfriend But Excludes Romantic Stamp

Telling someone to disengage romantically is easy, BLABBERS. Actually disengaging romantically is hard.

I’ve heard from so many people over the years who were struggling to smother romantic feelings for lovers who did them wrong. People pining away for exes who fucked their best friends, emptied their checking accounts, and refused to respond to their texts. So, while I could tell you to adjust your romantic expectations downward while you keep fucking this boy, the odds of you being able to keep your romantic feelings in check — much less smother them — while he’s hosting birthday parties for you and sucking your dick are close to zero. If you keep seeing this guy, the emotional hits (“I don’t want a relationship,” “I feel no spark”) will keep coming.

So, what’s up with this guy? If he acts like a boyfriend and fucks like a boyfriend, why doesn’t he want to be a boyfriend?

Maybe he’s still exploring his sexuality — maybe it’s just what he told you — and he worries that labeling the relationship, e.g., becoming boyfriend official, is going to limit him. He is a recent refugee from Straightland, after all, and most residents of Straightland have no concept of romantic relationships that aren’t sexually exclusive. (Except for straight people who read my column and listen to the Lovecast!) Just because he’s out doesn’t mean he’s up to speed.

Or maybe he’s not gay.

You say he just came out, BLABBER, but you don’t say what he came out as. You also say the sex has been great, and I believe you. Guys sometimes discover they like having sex with men and then assume they must be gay; they see enjoying sex with other men as disqualifying where straightness is concerned. And so it is. But it’s not disqualifying where bisexuality is concerned. So, if this guy came out as gay because he thought he had to be gay because otherwise he wouldn’t enjoy your dick so much, his lack of romantic feelings for you — if coupled with ongoing romantic and/or sexual attractions to women — could mean he’s bisexual and heteroromantic (BAH). It’s a thing. BAH guys can confuse gay men; while some BAH guys don’t want anything to do with their male sex partners before or after sex, other BAH guys are open to being “buds.” These BAH guys — BAH guys who wanna hang out, go on dates, host your birthday party — not only confuse gay dudes, they sometimes break our hearts.

Or maybe this guy knows you could be boyfriends without being exclusive (maybe you explained that to him) or maybe he’s gay and not into you the same way you’re into him (also a thing, and a sad one). But whatever his issues might be, BLABBERS, you should see other people while he explores/sucks/fucks his way through those issues. And if hanging out with him right now is too painful — if seeing him hurts too much — don’t hang out with him, don’t socialize with him, don’t take turns sitting on dicks with him. He was honest and direct with you, BLABBERS, and you should be just as honest and direct with him. Getting the boyfriend treatment from a guy who not only insists he isn’t your boyfriend but also doesn’t have any romantic feelings for you — the gap you perceive between his actions and his words — is going to make you miserable if you can’t disengage romantically, BLABBERS, which you most likely can’t. Tell him you’re not angry, you don’t hate him, and you still like him very much. And that’s the problem: you like him way more than he likes you. As much as you enjoy his company, as much as you enjoy his dick, continuing to date or fuck him means feeding your self-esteem into an emotional shredder.

P.S. Congrats on your sobriety — and while I hope your parents apologized to you at some point, I’m guessing they haven’t, seeing as they aren’t just evangelicals, but narcissists to boot.

I’m a gay boy in the big city. I had a threesome with two married guys and it didn’t go well, to put it mildly…

There is more to this week’s Savage Love. To read the entire column, go to Savage.Love.

The post Savage Love: If He Acts Like a Boyfriend, Why Does He Say He Doesn’t Want to Be My Boyfriend? appeared first on Cleveland Scene.