Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

I recently read a BBC article titled Gonorrhea and Syphilis Hit Record Levels in Europe, and, as an AASECT certified sex therapist, it pissed me off. Most of these articles piss me off because they are basically clickbait and want to scare the crap out of all of us. These are exactly the kind of headlines that people with sex-negative agendas love to point to as proof that sex itself is the problem. So, let me see if I can do my best to share with you what these stories actually are saying so that you don’t have to freak up and lock your genitals away forever. This isn’t just a Europe problem. Similar trends have been occurring in the United States for years. So yes, while the article is about Europe, the conversation is happening in your own backyard. Literally. For all you know, people may be banging in your backyard. Hopefully not, but you never know.

Here is what the article states: According to new data from the European Centre for Disease Prevention and Control, gonorrhea and syphilis reached their highest recorded levels in more than a decade during 2024. Gonorrhea cases have increased by more than 300 percent since 2015, while syphilis cases have more than doubled during that same period. Chlamydia remains the most commonly reported bacterial STI, although diagnoses have actually decreased slightly. The agency attributes much of this increase to gaps in testing, prevention efforts, and access to sexual health services. This is where I want to pause because this is the point where many people reach the wrong conclusion. They see a headline about rising STI rates and immediately think, “Well, people need to stop having so much sex.” Period. End of story. Burn the sluts! Except, that isn’t what the data are actually telling us.

One of the biggest reasons STI rates are increasing isn’t because people suddenly became more interested in sex. Research actually points to younger generations having less sex than previous ones. Human beings have always been interested in sex. The difference is that we have slowly chipped away at the public health systems designed to help people stay healthy. When testing becomes harder to access, people go longer without realizing they have an infection. When treatment is delayed or unavailable, infections spread further. When comprehensive sex education disappears, people are left learning from pornography, TikTok, or friends who are just as confused as they are. Blind leading the blind, anyone? When prevention programs lose funding, fewer people receive condoms, education, reminders to get tested, and referrals for care. None of this should be surprising. Infectious diseases spread more easily when public health systems become weaker.

The research reinforces something we have known for decades: people do not stop having sex because we tell them to. Abstinence-only messaging has repeatedly failed to reduce sexual activity, and shame has never been an effective public health strategy. What shame does accomplish is making people less likely to ask questions, disclose symptoms, buy condoms, schedule STI screenings, or tell a partner they may have been exposed. Shame doesn’t stop sex. It stops healthcare. This is the problem I have spent a career trying to solve. 

If we actually want STI rates to decline, the solution isn’t policing people’s sex lives or trying to scare them with alarming headlines. The solution is making sexual healthcare easier to access. It is normalizing routine STI testing in the same way we normalize annual physicals. It is making condoms affordable and readily available. It is investing in comprehensive, evidence-based sex education that teaches people how to reduce risk instead of pretending risk doesn’t exist. It is creating healthcare environments where someone can comfortably say, “I think I should get tested,” without worrying they will be judged. We want to create an environment where we celebrate testing instead of judging it.

Personally, I think it’s important to remember that getting an STI is not a moral failure. It is a health issue. People catch viruses. People develop bacterial infections. People receive treatment. That is what healthcare is for. The goal isn’t to shame people into perfection. The goal is to help people recognize symptoms, get tested routinely based on their level of risk, communicate honestly with partners, and receive treatment quickly when needed. Healthy societies don’t reduce STI rates by pretending sex isn’t happening. They reduce STI rates by acknowledging that sex is a normal part of being human and giving people the education, resources, and healthcare they need to engage in it as safely as possible. Ugh, and don’t even get me started on the stupid Super Gonorrhea thing. That is another scare tactic. 

Some final words of wisdom would be this: The next time you see a headline screaming that STIs are “exploding” or warning about some terrifying “super STI,” don’t let the clickbait do your thinking for you. Take a breath, read beyond the headline, and ask what public health experts are actually saying instead of what the headline wants you to believe. Then do three simple things: have sex if you want to have sex, get tested based on your level of risk, and don’t be afraid to ask questions. That, my friends, is what sexual health actually looks like. Oh, and you can always write in to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist if you need some help.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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The post Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: The Real Reason STI Rates Are Rising appeared first on Cleveland Scene.

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

Hey Matt,

Sometimes after I have an orgasm I cry. Is this normal? It doesn’t happen all of the time but it probably happens like 80% of it. My friends say they don’t cry so I am starting to think something is wrong with me. 

Crystal

Hey Crystal! You probably don’t realize this but writing in and asking that question is going to help a lot of people. Emotional releases like crying (or laughing) are common after sex. I hear this a lot in my work. More specifically, people often tell me they reached orgasm, everything seemed enjoyable, and then, almost out of nowhere, they found themselves crying or laughing or passing out. Their first instinct is usually to assume something is wrong. When it comes to the criers, they worry that the tears mean they secretly regret the experience, that they are unhappy in their relationship, or that there is some hidden emotional issue waiting to be uncovered. While those possibilities deserve attention if they fit your situation, the reality is that crying after an orgasm is much more common than most people realize.

If we start from a clinical lens, this experience is often referred to as postcoital dysphoria, a phenomenon in which someone experiences sadness, tearfulness, irritability, or emotional overwhelm following consensual and otherwise satisfying sexual activity. Research suggests that it is not particularly rare. Studies have found that a significant number of people report experiencing postcoital dysphoria at least once in their lifetime, and some experience it more regularly. Importantly, it can happen regardless of gender, sexual orientation, relationship status, or whether the sex itself was pleasurable. In other words, you can have a wonderful sexual experience and still find yourself unexpectedly crying afterward.

One reason this can happen is because orgasms involve a dramatic shift in brain chemistry. During sexual arousal and orgasm, your body releases a variety of neurochemicals including dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins that contribute to pleasure, bonding, and reward. Immediately afterward, your body begins transitioning back toward its baseline. For some people, that rapid change feels emotionally neutral. For others, it can create a sense of vulnerability or emotional release. Think of it like the emotional letdown some people experience after accomplishing a major goal. The experience was positive, but your nervous system is suddenly shifting gears. 

Another important factor is that orgasm often lowers our emotional defenses. During intimacy, many people experience a level of vulnerability that they rarely allow themselves in everyday life. Your body relaxes, your muscles release tension, and your guard temporarily comes down. 

Sometimes emotions that have been sitting quietly beneath the surface suddenly have room to emerge. Those emotions may have nothing to do with your partner or the sexual experience itself. They may be related to stress at work, grief, anxiety, loneliness, or simply the relief of finally letting go after carrying emotional tension all day. The orgasm did not create those feelings. It simply created enough emotional space for them to surface.

For others, the tears may be connected to past experiences. Individuals with histories of trauma, shame surrounding sexuality, difficult relationship experiences, or messages that sex is “bad” may find that intimacy activates complicated emotional memories. Again, this does not necessarily mean something went wrong in the present moment. Rather, the nervous system sometimes links current experiences with old emotional learning. This is one reason trauma-informed sex therapy often focuses not only on what happened during sex, but also on the beliefs and experiences that shaped how someone learned to relate to intimacy in the first place.

I also want to point out that not all tears mean sadness. I have worked with many people who cried because they felt profoundly loved, deeply connected, or overwhelmed by the intimacy they experienced with their partner(s). Just as people cry during weddings, while holding a newborn, or after hearing life-changing news, tears can simply be the body’s way of expressing emotions that feel too large for words. Our culture tends to treat crying as a sign that something is wrong, but emotionally speaking, tears often represent intensity rather than distress. On a personal note, do you know how often I cry when I listen to Florence + The Machine? More times than I would care to admit to the greater Cleveland population. 

So, what should you do if you cry after an orgasm? First, try not to panic or immediately search for a catastrophic explanation. Our world depicts sex in a very specific way and whenever something happens that falls outside of that rigid box, we can think something is wrong. Just approach yourself with curiosity. Ask yourself what you are feeling rather than assuming you already know the answer. Are you sad? Relieved? Connected? Overwhelmed? Numb? Safe? The answer may not become clear immediately, and that is okay. If you are with a partner, gentle reassurance often goes much further than trying to “fix” the tears. Sometimes what someone needs most is a hug, quiet presence, or simply permission to experience whatever is happening without judgment.

As I wrap up, if crying after orgasm happens frequently, causes significant distress, or is accompanied by persistent anxiety, depression, flashbacks, or relationship difficulties, it may be worth speaking with a therapist who specializes in sexuality. Sexuality is not simply a physical experience. It is deeply connected to our emotions, relationships, nervous system, and life experiences. Sometimes tears are simply tears. Other times they are an invitation to better understand ourselves. Either way, they are not something to be ashamed of. Like so much of human sexuality, they remind us that pleasure and emotion are often far more intertwined than we realize.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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The post Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: Why Do I Cry After I Orgasm? appeared first on Cleveland Scene.

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

Lately, I have been receiving a lot of questions around wanting to experience more pleasure during sex so I figured instead of writing several of the same articles, I would write one focusing on the main tips that I think are important and put them in one place. One of the biggest misconceptions I hear often is that pleasure is something that simply happens to you. Either your body responds or it doesn’t. Either the chemistry is there or it isn’t. I completely understand why people think this way when you look around at all the media out there that depicts pleasure as something that’s either effortless or completely out of our control.

The reality is that pleasure is a skill as much as it is a sensation. While there are certainly medical conditions, medications, stress, and relationship issues that can affect sexual enjoyment, many people unknowingly make pleasure harder to access because of the habits they bring into sexual experiences. Think back to the garden metaphor laid out by Emily Nagoski. While there are beautiful flowers in our garden that help us access pleasure, we tend to have more weeds that we need to uproot to fully engage with it. The good news is that those habits can often be changed. If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, “The sex was fine, but I just wasn’t really feeling it,” these five tips are going to be your new best friends.

The first is to slow down. Our culture tends to treat sex like a race toward orgasm. We rush through kissing, skip over touching, and move quickly to penetration or other goal-oriented activities. Your nervous system often needs time to transition into a state where pleasure can fully develop. Spend more time exploring. Kiss longer. Touch with curiosity rather than urgency. Instead of asking, “What’s next?” ask yourself, “What feels good right now?” Slowing down gives your brain and body the opportunity to build arousal instead of chasing it. Next time you have sex, take orgasm off the table. In fact, I highly recommend making out for ten minutes before removing your clothes (just make sure you brush your teeth first).

Second, practice mindfulness. I know, I sound like a cliché therapist by saying this, but it is true. Your brain is your most important sexual organ, and unfortunately it is also incredibly easy to distract. During sex, many people are worrying about their appearance, thinking about work, wondering whether they are taking too long, or mentally running through tomorrow’s to-do list. Every time your attention drifts away from your body, pleasure often decreases. When you notice your mind wandering, gently bring it back to the physical sensations you are experiencing. Pay attention to the warmth of your partner’s skin, your breathing, the pressure of touch, or the sounds around you. Pleasure tends to grow where attention goes. Always remember TTP (temperature, texture, and pressure).

Third, communicate what actually feels good. As much as I would love for my husband to be able to read my mind (wait, would I?), your partner cannot read your mind, no matter how much experience they have. One of the most common mistakes couples make is assuming that “good lovers” should instinctively know what their partner wants. Instead, think of sex as a collaborative experience. Tell your partner when something feels good. Guide their hand. Ask for more or less pressure. Share what you’re curious about. As a society, we need to move past the idea that we are “killing the mood” by talking more and asking for what we want during sex. The mood can be recreated if we give it the attention it deserves.

Fourth, let go of performance. This isn’t the World Cup. We aren’t going for gold or first place or whatever. Many people spend more time evaluating themselves than actually experiencing sex. They wonder whether their stomach looks flat, whether they’re lasting long enough, whether they’re making enough/too much noise, or whether they’re performing “correctly.” There is no “correct” way to have sex outside of confirming consent. This constant self-monitoring pulls you out of the moment. Instead of trying to be impressive, try being present. Great sex is rarely about putting on a performance. It’s about feeling connected to yourself and the person you’re with. This is why I love incorporating a blindfold during sex because it takes away one of our biggest senses and after some adjustment, allows us to settle into what we are experiencing. 

Finally, expand your definition of pleasure. We often act as though pleasure only counts if it ends in orgasm, but that mindset causes people to miss so much of what sex has to offer. Pleasure can be emotional closeness. It can be a long embrace after intimacy. It can be discovering a new sensation or simply feeling safe enough to relax with another person. Do you know how many times people laugh during sex? A lot! Ironically, when we stop making orgasm the only acceptable outcome, many people find that orgasm becomes easier to experience because the pressure has been removed. Think about it this way: If I tell myself to not double fault, I probably will. But if I focus on my breath and staying in the moment, the likelihood drops.

The goal of sex is not perfection. It isn’t about checking boxes or meeting someone else’s expectations. The goal is to create an experience that feels enjoyable and authentic for everyone involved. Pleasure isn’t something reserved for lucky people. It’s something we can intentionally cultivate by slowing down and letting go of performance. If pleasure has felt difficult to access for a long time, or if these strategies don’t seem to help, it may be worth speaking with a qualified sex therapist. Sometimes there are deeper emotional, relational, or medical factors involved. But for many people, the path toward better sex isn’t about learning new techniques. It’s about learning how to be fully present for the ones they already have.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

Subscribe to Cleveland Scene newsletters.

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The post Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: Five Ways to Experience More Pleasure During Sex appeared first on Cleveland Scene.

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

I just found out my wife has been going to a sex club behind my back for years and she never told me. I am devastated. She told me she hasn’t had sex with anyone there and just watches, but I don’t trust her.

Well, this is going to be an interesting one to unpack. Finding something out like this can definitely feel earth-shattering. Whether your wife had sex with anyone else or not, discovering that she has been attending a sex club for years without your knowledge is a massive revelation. It makes sense that you feel devastated. I don’t know the specifics of your relationship and whether or not you two are monogamous, but from reading your question I would assume you are, and that can only add to the feelings of betrayal. In moments like this, people often become consumed with trying to answer one question: “Is she telling me the truth?” While that question matters, it is often not the first place I would encourage you to begin.

The first question I would ask is this: Do the two of you still want this relationship? If the answer is yes, then I strongly encourage you to seek couples therapy with someone who is comfortable talking openly about sexuality and betrayal in relationships. While small breaks in trust can happen from time to time, big breaks like this one usually require some outside assistance. Therapy is not about determining who is right or wrong. It is about understanding what happened, what needs were or were not being met, how trust was broken, and whether trust can realistically be rebuilt. If one or both of you no longer want to continue the relationship, then the conversation becomes very different.

If you do decide to work on the relationship, there are also a few things I would encourage you to avoid. Do not turn the next several months into an interrogation. While asking questions is completely understandable, repeatedly demanding reassurance, checking phones, or trying to catch your partner in a lie rarely rebuilds trust. It usually creates a cycle where one person becomes the investigator and the other becomes increasingly defensive. Instead, focus on having structured conversations, ideally with the support of a therapist, where honesty and transparency are expected. I know this is easier said than done, and I don’t know how open I would be to this advice in the early days, but it is important to try to set the stage for productive conversations instead of harmful ones.

We need to pull this back some and recognize that there are many reasons someone may attend a sex club. Some people go because they enjoy voyeurism or exhibitionism. Others are curious about different sexual communities. Some enjoy the atmosphere, the excitement, or the fantasy without ever participating sexually. Others attend because it allows them to explore a part of themselves that they feel unable to express elsewhere. Let me be clear: none of those possibilities excuse keeping it secret from a spouse. The problem here is not simply that she attended a sex club. The problem is that she made a unilateral decision to keep something significant hidden from someone with whom she had an agreement of trust.

As difficult as it may be, I would encourage both of you to become curious rather than immediately defensive. Why did she feel she had to keep this hidden? Was she afraid of judgment? Did she believe you would never understand? Was there shame? Was there excitement in having a secret? Again, these questions are not meant to justify what happened. They are meant to understand it. I often tell people that there is a difference between giving excuses and explanations. Excuses come with defensiveness while explanations come with responsibility. Healthy repair comes from understanding, not assumptions.

Ultimately, rebuilding trust requires vulnerability from both partners. Shocker, right? Your wife will need to be willing to answer difficult questions honestly, take responsibility for the secrecy, and understand the impact this has had on you. You, in turn, will need to be willing to express your hurt, fear, anger, and uncertainty without allowing those emotions to become the only thing guiding the relationship moving forward. When I work with breaches of trust, I often see the person who has been hurt move very quickly from fear and sadness into punishment. It makes sense why this happens. Punishment can feel protective. But if we can, we want to slow things down. The real work often begins when we make space for the grief and vulnerability beneath the anger instead of rushing straight to consequences. Vulnerability is not about pretending everything is okay. It is about allowing yourselves to have the difficult conversations neither of you has likely been having for years.

Whether this relationship survives depends less on what happened at the sex club and more on what happens next. Can the two of you create a relationship where honesty replaces secrecy, curiosity replaces assumptions, and vulnerability replaces hiding? If the answer is yes, there is a path forward. It will not be easy, and it will not happen overnight, but many couples have rebuilt trust after profound betrayals. The first step is deciding whether you are both willing to do that work together. Remember, relationships are hard. We evolve overtime and when the world you live in is sex negative, shame and secrecy can infiltrate and grow. Slow things down and just start the conversation, maybe the relationship is worth it. 

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

Subscribe to Cleveland Scene newsletters.

Follow us: Apple News | Google News | NewsBreak | Reddit | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | Or sign up for our RSS Feed

The post Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: My Wife Has Been Secretly Going to a Sex Club appeared first on Cleveland Scene.

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

Last weekend, I got married. Well, technically, as I am writing this, the wedding has not happened yet. Hopefully everything went according to plan and I am now happily married. I am choosing to believe writing this ahead of time is not going to jinx anything. If it did, I blame all of you and you can officially disregard this article. I am feeling pretty good about it, though. My partner and I have been together for almost ten years and after years of going back and forth with whether we wanted to get married, we finally decided it was time. With the wedding (hopefully) behind me, it felt like the perfect time to talk about something that carries way more pressure than it deserves: honeymoon sex.

Somehow, honeymoon sex has become one of the biggest relationship milestones in our culture. It makes sense as for a lot of people in the past (and for some in the present) the first time they are having penetrative sex with their partner is on their wedding night. We are told it should be spontaneous, passionate, unforgettable, and nonstop. Movies make it seem like couples barely make it into their hotel room before tearing each other’s clothes off. Friends joke about packing enough condoms for an entire week. There is this unspoken expectation that because you are finally married, the sex should somehow be the best you have ever had. But I am sorry to say, I can tell you that reality is usually much more complicated than that.

For some couples, honeymoon sex really is incredible. Not because they suddenly became better lovers after saying “I do,” but because they finally have something they have been missing for months: space. The wedding planning is over. The constant decision-making has stopped. There are no seating charts to finalize, no vendors to call, no last-minute family drama to navigate. Did anyone else enjoy putting together their seating chart because I sure did. Instead, there is time to sleep in, explore somewhere new, laugh together, and simply enjoy each other’s company. That reduction in stress often creates the perfect conditions for desire to emerge naturally. When we can decrease activating our sympathetic nervous system, we can activate our parasympathetic nervous system. 

Research and clinical work from experts like Esther Perel suggest that new environments and shared adventures can help spark desire. When we step outside of our normal routines, we often feel more curious and present. A honeymoon naturally provides those ingredients through new places, new experiences, and uninterrupted time together. That combination can make intimacy feel more exciting than it does during everyday life. Of course, novelty is not a guarantee of great sex, but it can create the conditions where desire is more likely to emerge. The best part is that you do not need a honeymoon to recreate that feeling. Even a weekend away or trying something new together can bring some of that same energy back into your relationship.

For other couples, however, honeymoon sex is extremely underwhelming. They are exhausted. They have spent months planning one of the biggest events of their lives. They have been surrounded by people all weekend, running on very little sleep, eating differently, drinking more than usual, and trying to recover from the emotional whirlwind of getting married. Some people need to lock themselves away just to regulate themselves. Their body is asking for rest while their mind is saying, “This is supposed to be the best sex of our lives.” Those two experiences rarely complement one another.

The pressure itself is often the biggest obstacle. Whenever we decide that a sexual experience has to be amazing, we stop being present and start evaluating. Are we doing enough? Is this romantic enough? Should we be having more sex? Is this what everyone else experiences? Instead of focusing on connection, we begin grading ourselves. As I often remind people, sex tends to thrive when we let go of performance and become more interested in curiosity. For example, If I focus too much on winning a tennis match, I am going to miss all of the cues that are needed for me to actually show up to be successful. Sex is the same. 

Ironically, what makes a honeymoon memorable is often everything surrounding the sex. It is watching the sunset together, wandering through a city without a schedule, trying new foods, sleeping without an alarm, and having uninterrupted conversations that remind you why you chose this person in the first place. Those experiences build emotional intimacy, and emotional intimacy is often one of the strongest foundations for satisfying sexual intimacy.

So, if you are heading off on your honeymoon, give yourselves permission to enjoy it without turning it into a performance review of your relationship. Whether you have sex every day, once during the trip, or spend the first two days catching up on sleep, none of that determines the quality of your marriage. The goal of a honeymoon is not to have perfect sex. It is to celebrate the next step in your relationship. If great sex happens along the way, wonderful. If not, you have the rest of your marriage to keep discovering each other.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

Subscribe to Cleveland Scene newsletters.

Follow us: Apple News | Google News | NewsBreak | Reddit | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | Or sign up for our RSS Feed

The post Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: Is Honeymoon Sex Really That Great? appeared first on Cleveland Scene.

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

One of the most common concerns I hear as an AASECT certified sex therapist sounds something like this: “I don’t understand what happened to my sex drive.” People often assume there is something wrong with them. They worry they are no longer attracted to their partner, that their relationship is falling apart, or that they have somehow lost an essential part of themselves. I am sure we can all relate to those sentiments. Our libido does not live in a vacuum. What I mean by this is that just like meetings at work can impact your mood, many areas in your life can influence your desire. While there are certainly many reasons libido can change, one of the biggest culprits is also one of the most overlooked: stress.

Stress does not just live in your mind. It lives in your body. When your brain perceives stress, it releases cortisol, often referred to as the body’s primary stress hormone. Cortisol is incredibly helpful when you need to escape danger, solve an immediate problem, respond to a crisis, or are getting chased by lions. The problem is that many of us are no longer experiencing short bursts of stress. We are living in it. Deadlines, financial concerns, parenting, caregiving, endless notifications, relationship conflict, political uncertainty, and in my case getting married this week, cortisol elevated for days, weeks, and sometimes even years. When your body is focused on survival, it has very little energy left for pleasure.

Think about it this way. Imagine you have spent the entire day running from a bear. You finally make it home, lock the door, and collapse onto the couch. Your partner walks over, gives you a kiss, and says, “Want to have sex?” Most people would laugh, or in my case give a puzzling look, because the answer is obvious. Your body is still trying to survive. While most of us are not literally running from bears in Cleveland, our nervous systems often cannot tell the difference between a charging predator and an overflowing inbox, mounting debt, or a never-ending list of responsibilities. To your brain, stress is stress.

This is one reason why so many people tell me they “want” to want sex, but they just cannot seem to get there. They may genuinely love their partner and find them incredibly attractive. Yet every time they finally crawl into bed, their brain is replaying tomorrow’s meeting, the laundry that still needs folded, the argument they had three days ago, or whether they remembered to pay the electric bill. Their body is saying, “How can you think about sex when there are dishes in the sink?!” One of the biggest mistakes couples/poly folx make is assuming that low desire automatically means something is wrong with the relationship. While relationship challenges can certainly affect libido, a decrease in sexual desire is not always a sign that love has disappeared or attraction has faded. Sometimes it is simply a sign that your nervous system is exhausted. 

I have worked with countless individuals who deeply love their partners, find them physically attractive, and genuinely miss having an active sex life. The issue is not a lack of desire for their partner. It is that their brain and body have become so consumed with managing stress that pleasure has quietly slipped to the bottom of the priority list. Understanding that distinction can replace blame with compassion and open the door to working together instead of turning against one another. If you are the partner of someone who experiences a lot of stress, it is important to understand that 9 times out of 10, it has nothing to do with you or your attractiveness.

This can also create a painful cycle within relationships. One partner notices that sex has become less frequent and begins initiating more often, hoping to reconnect. The other partner, already overwhelmed by stress, begins feeling guilty for saying no. They may even avoid affection because they worry every hug or kiss will lead to pressure for sex. Suddenly, the problem is no longer just stress. It has become anxiety, guilt, resentment, and disconnection layered on top of one another. Ironically, all of those emotions increase stress even further, making desire even less likely to emerge. The loop has officially started. 

The good news is that reducing stress does not simply improve your mental health. It often improves your sex life as well. That does not necessarily mean quitting your job or moving to a beach. It means intentionally creating moments where your nervous system can shift from survival into emotional safety. Taking a walk after dinner, practicing mindfulness, exercising, laughing with your partner, having uninterrupted conversations, getting adequate sleep, or simply putting your phone away for an hour can all help lower stress and create more room for desire. Sex is not just about attraction. It is also about whether your body feels safe enough to experience pleasure. I could be married to Henry Cavill and if I have had a full day or stressful clients, I am not going to want to play.

This week, I want you to try a simple exercise. Before you even think about having sex, rate your stress level on a scale from one to ten. Then ask yourself one question: “What is one thing I could do in the next fifteen minutes that would help my body feel even one point calmer?” Maybe it is taking a shower, listening to music, stretching, asking your partner for a hug with no expectation of sex, or simply sitting outside for a few minutes. The goal is not to force yourself into desire. The goal is to help your nervous system remember that it is safe enough to experience pleasure. Often, that is where a healthier sex life begins.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

Subscribe to Cleveland Scene newsletters.

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The post Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: Stress is Killing Your Libido. appeared first on Cleveland Scene.

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

Matt,

My boyfriend thinks it’s strange that I still talk to one of my exes. We dated for several years, but the romantic relationship ended a long time ago. There are no lingering feelings, and honestly, he is cool. My boyfriend says staying friends with an ex is disrespectful to him, while I think it’s possible to be friends someone without wanting to be with them. I think people can be friends with their exes, but maybe I am missing something.

– Anna

Hey Anna! Yes, of course you can be friends with an ex. I know that answer may surprise some people because we have been fed a very different story about relationships, but it’s true. Somewhere along the way, many of us learned that exes are supposed to disappear, completely vanish off the face of the planet. That if a relationship ends, one person must be the villain and the other must be the victim. That staying friends means you are secretly in love, unable to move on, or disrespecting future partners. I am going to unpack where I think this all comes from throughout the article, but for now, I want you to know that being friends with an ex is not nearly as strange or uncommon as many people have been led to believe.

I think a lot of it comes from how relationships have traditionally been framed. We have been taught that relationships are about “love,” but that love gets represented as possession and competition rather than connection and compassion. We are often told that if someone was once important to us, they must remain important only as long as they fit a specific role in our lives. Once they are no longer a romantic partner, we are expected to erase the entire relationship. To be honest, that has never made much sense to me. This is probably a good time to note that not everyone falls into this trap, but a lot of us still do, and I see it every single week sitting across from me in my office.

Think about it this way. If you spent years loving someone, supporting them, laughing with them, and growing alongside them, why would the only acceptable outcome be complete disconnection? Sometimes relationships end because the romantic component no longer works. That does not automatically mean the friendship has to disappear too. Now, does that mean everyone should be friends with their exes? Absolutely not. I am not friends with any of my exes because outside of also being a product of the messaging mentioned above, there wasn’t enough there for me to want to stay friends with them.

The more important question is why you want to be friends with them. Are you genuinely interested in maintaining a friendship, or are you hoping friendship becomes a pathway back into the relationship? Are you keeping them close because you value who they are as a person, or because you are afraid to let go? Those are very different motivations. Being friends with an ex works best when both people have accepted that the romantic relationship is over and are choosing friendship for friendship’s sake. Do me a favor and reread that last sentence because it is crucial if you want this to work. I’ll wait. 

Most of you reading this may be thinking about jealousy and where that fits into the conversation. Many people treat jealousy as if it is a fact. “I feel jealous, therefore something must be wrong.” But jealousy is not a fact. Jealousy is information. It tells us something is happening internally that deserves our attention. Maybe we are feeling insecure. Maybe we are afraid of loss. Maybe we are worried about being replaced. That makes total sense. There are moments in my relationship where I still feel jealousy, but when it comes to friendships with exes, the feeling itself is not proof that it is inappropriate. It is simply an invitation to get curious about what is happening beneath the surface.

I also want to acknowledge your boyfriend’s perspective because he is not necessarily wrong for feeling uncomfortable. Many people grow up with the belief that exes are threats to current relationships. If he has experienced betrayal or broken trust in the past, it makes sense that your friendship could activate fears or insecurities for him. The goal is not to convince him that he should never feel jealous or uncomfortable. That will never happen. The goal is to have an honest conversation about what specifically concerns him. Is he worried that feelings will return? Is he afraid of being compared to your ex? Does he feel excluded from an important part of your life? Those are all conversations worth exploring.

Healthy relationships require us to balance our own autonomy with our partner’s needs. Your boyfriend is allowed to have feelings about the friendship, and you are allowed to have meaningful friendships that predate the relationship. The challenge is figuring out whether the concern is about an actual boundary violation or whether it is rooted in assumptions about what exes are supposed to mean. The healthiest couples I know are not the ones who avoid difficult conversations. They are the ones who can talk openly about their fears and expectations without trying to control one another. Of course, there are situations where friendship with an ex may not be healthy. If there was abuse, manipulation, repeated boundary violations, or ongoing emotional turmoil, distance may be the healthiest option. Some relationships need space. Some evolve into meaningful friendships. There is no one-size-fits-all answer and if you meet someone who tells you there is one, run!

What I have found, both personally and professionally, is that healthy relationships often require flexibility. Not every relationship is meant to last forever in its original form. Sometimes people move from lovers to friends. Sometimes they move from spouses to co-parents. Sometimes they move from daily contact to occasional check-ins. Relationships can change shape without losing their value. But you have to consider what is best for your current relationship. At the end of the day, I think the better question is not, “Can I be friends with my ex?” The better question is, “What role do I want this person to play in my life, and does that role support both of our well-being?” If the answer is friendship, and both people are on the same page, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. 

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

Subscribe to Cleveland Scene newsletters.

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The post Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: Can You Be Friends With an Ex? appeared first on Cleveland Scene.

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

My wife and I have sex once every few weeks and I go through phases of wanting more and then not. I don’t know what is healthy. We have been together 15 years. 

• Bryan 

There are so many factors involved that I will go over, Bryan, but the short answer is that there is no magic number. First, “healthy” can be defined in many ways. Healthy couples can have sex multiple times a week. Healthy couples can have sex a few times a month. There are even healthy couples who go through periods of little or no sex at all. Remember, some couples have sex daily and report feeling disconnected from their partners. What matters most is not whether your relationship looks like someone else’s. What matters is whether everyone feels connected and satisfied with the amount of sex they are having. So, lets unpack this and figure out what is going to work for you. 

In your case, Bryan, one thing that stands out to me is that you describe going through phases where you want more sex and other phases where you do not think about it much at all. Hear me when I tell you that this is extremely common. As much as romcoms want you to believe, desire is rarely static, especially after 15 years together. Our interest in sex can fluctuate as much as my desire to read for fun (which changes monthly). Desire (mental) and arousal (physical) are influenced by many things (e.g. stress, health, work, life circumstances, relationship satisfaction, aging, hormones, and about a hundred other variables). The fact that your desire ebbs and flows does not necessarily mean there is a problem. It is simply an indicator of a functioning libido. 

That said, there is some fascinating research on the topic. In a study of more than 30,000 Americans, researcher Amy Muise and her colleagues found that happiness and well-being tended to increase as sexual frequency increased, but only up to about once per week. Couples who were having sex less than once a week reported lower levels of happiness. Interestingly, couples who had sex more than once a week were not significantly happier than those who were having sex weekly. In other words, once a week appeared to be the point where many couples maximized the relationship benefits associated with sexual frequency.

Now, before everyone starts putting “weekly sex quota” on the family calendar, it is important to understand what this research does and does not tell us. The study does not mean that once a week is the perfect amount of sex for every couple. It simply suggests that regular sexual connection may contribute to relationship satisfaction for many people. More sex was not associated with less happiness. It just was not associated with more happiness beyond that point. They also did not define “sex” in the study, so just engaging in any form of intimacy outside of penetrative sex may be just as impactful.

One of the biggest mistakes couples/polyam folx make is treating frequency as the goal. For the love of Serena Williams, we have to start changing this narrative. Frequency is not the goal. Connection is the goal. I have worked with couples who have sex several times a week and feel disconnected from one another. I have also worked with couples who have sex once or twice a month and describe their intimate lives as deeply satisfying. If you didn’t read the linked study, what the researchers concluded was that the quality of the sexual encounter mattered more than the number of times couples had sex. If you and your wife are both content having sex every few weeks, that may be perfectly healthy for your relationship. If one or both of you are feeling dissatisfied, then that becomes the conversation worth having.

We have a saying in the field that “sex begets sex.” When couples go long periods without physical intimacy, it often becomes easier to continue avoiding it. Life gets busy, stress piles up, and countless other demands can slowly push intimacy to the bottom of the priority list. On the other hand, when couples are regularly engaging in affectionate touch, flirting, emotional connection, and sexual experiences, intimacy often feels more accessible. The momentum works in both directions. Now, I know this is easier said than done. But if a “monster,” or fear of sex, hasn’t been created yet, it might be worth exploring. This is especially important because desire is not always spontaneous. Many people assume they should feel aroused first and then engage sexually. For a large percentage of people, particularly those in long-term relationships, desire is often responsive. It emerges after connection, touch, affection, and erotic engagement have already begun. Waiting around to magically feel horny can sometimes leave couples stuck in a cycle where neither person initiates because neither person feels immediate desire.

As I wrap up, I think we need to normalize the fact that sexual frequency changes across the lifespan of a relationship. The amount of sex you have at six months may look very different than the amount you have after five years, fifteen years, after children, during periods of illness, or while navigating major life transitions. Change is not necessarily a sign that something is wrong. The question is whether the couple can continue talking about those changes and adapting together. So how often should healthy long-term couples have sex? My answer is simple: often enough that both or all partners feel connected. For some couples that may be once a week. For others it may be once every few weeks. The healthiest couples are not the ones chasing a number. They are the ones who remain curious about each other’s needs and make room for intimacy in whatever way works for them, even if that means scheduling it.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

Subscribe to Cleveland Scene newsletters.

Follow us: Apple News | Google News | NewsBreak | Reddit | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | Or sign up for our RSS Feed

The post Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: How Often Do Healthy Couples Actually Have Sex? appeared first on Cleveland Scene.

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

Matt,

Lately I’ve been thinking about opening my relationship because I am not happy and can’t see a future with my boyfriend. But I don’t want to be open ever so I don’t know what to do.

• Anonymous 

Don’t let anyone ever tell you that relationships aren’t hard. I hear this quite often and if I am being honest, have experienced difficult times in my relationship as well. A lot of people find themselves wondering about open relationships at some point, especially when they are feeling disconnected or uncertain about the future of their current partnership. When people hear discussions about polyamory or open relationships, they sometimes assume that opening up is the solution to relationship unhappiness. In reality, those are often two very different conversations and let me spoil the ending of this article, it usually doesn’t work. 

One thing I want to challenge right away is the idea that because you are unhappy, the next step might be opening the relationship. From what you wrote, it sounds like you already know something important about yourself: you do not actually want to be open. I think that matters, a lot. We live in a culture that often treats monogamy as the default and polyamory as the alternative, but the truth is that neither relationship structure is inherently better than the other. This can also feel extremely threatening to others. The goal is not to force yourself into a relationship model that does not fit. The goal is to build a relationship that aligns with your values and the vision you have for your life.

I wonder if what is happening here has less to do with wanting additional partners and more to do with wanting relief from the discomfort you are currently feeling. Sometimes people begin fantasizing about opening a relationship because it feels easier than confronting the possibility that the relationship itself may not be working. That is scary. What’s beautiful about opening a relationship is that it can create opportunities for connection and growth for some couples, but it does not magically solve the problems of incompatibility or resentment. In fact, most polyamorous people will tell you that opening a struggling relationship often magnifies existing issues rather than fixes them.

This is where I think it is helpful to talk about “couple privilege.” This is a concept that impresses upon humans that being in a relationship is always better than being single. We celebrate couples, prioritize couples, and often treat relationship status as a marker of success. This isn’t to say that we shouldn’t celebrate those in healthy relationships (key word being “healthy”). Unfortunately, we think longevity is the goal instead of sustainability. Because of this, many people stay in relationships long after they have stopped feeling fulfilled because ending the relationship feels scarier than staying. Sometimes we become so focused on preserving the relationship that we stop asking a very important question: Is this relationship actually helping me build the life I want? 

That brings me to another question worth exploring: What does being in a relationship mean to you? Beyond having a boyfriend, what are you hoping a relationship provides? Friendship? Emotional intimacy? Shared goals? Sexual connection? A sense of partnership? A future together? You mentioned that you cannot see a future with your boyfriend. I think anyone reading your question circled that part. That statement stands out to me far more than your thoughts about opening the relationship. If you genuinely cannot envision a future together, I would spend some time understanding why. Is it because of a specific issue that could potentially be addressed? Or is it because something fundamental about the relationship no longer feels aligned?

I am also curious whether you have talked to your boyfriend about any of this. Not necessarily about opening the relationship, but about your unhappiness. Research consistently shows that communication is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction. Couples who can discuss difficult topics openly, express needs, and navigate conflict constructively tend to report higher levels of connection and long-term relationship stability. Yet many people spend months, sometimes years, carrying concerns internally while their partner has little idea how serious the situation has become. Having that conversation can feel terrifying. It might lead to difficult truths. It might reveal that there is room to repair and reconnect. It might reveal that the relationship has run its course. But avoiding the conversation rarely creates clarity. More often, it prolongs confusion.

I would also add that, personally, I think flexibility is just as important as communication in relationships. One of the biggest mistakes I see people make is assuming that the person they are today will be the exact same person they are five, ten, or twenty years from now. The reality is that none of us are static. Emily Nagoski often talks about how change is the only constant in relationships, and I think there is a lot of wisdom in that idea. Healthy relationships are not built on finding the perfect person and hoping nothing ever changes. They are built on two or more people who are willing to stay curious about one another and adapt as life unfolds. The question is not whether change will happen, because it will. Sometimes that growth brings people closer together. Sometimes it reveals that they want different things. Either way, flexibility allows us to respond to reality instead of clinging to a version of the relationship that no longer exists.

At the end of the day, you do not have to become polyamorous. You do not have to open your relationship. You do not have to stay in a relationship simply because you have invested time and energy into it. What you owe yourself is honesty. The question I would encourage you to sit with is not, “Should I open my relationship?” The question is, “If opening the relationship was not an option, what would I want to do?” Your answer may tell you everything you need to know.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

Subscribe to Cleveland Scene newsletters.

Follow us: Apple News | Google News | NewsBreak | Reddit | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | Or sign up for our RSS Feed

The post Ask A Cleveland Sex Therapist: Do I Want an Open Relationship or Am I Just Unhappy in My Current One? appeared first on Cleveland Scene.

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

I am 22 and my boyfriend and I like having sex in public places. He mentioned wanting to have sex in Lake Erie and I don’t know if I want to have sex in the water. We have had sex in the shower but that feels different. Am I going to get an infection or something?

• Penelope 

If I am being honest, I am surprised it took this long for a question about having sex in Lake Erie to arrive in my inbox. Well, Penelope, I feel pretty confident in saying that you and your boyfriend are certainly not the first couple to look at a large body of water and think, “You know what would make this even better? Banging!” Humans have been finding creative places to hook up for a very long time. Airplane? Check. Football stadium? Check. Back room at your local RadioShack? Check. Well, maybe not RadioShack. Do those even still exist? Anyways, the fact that you are pausing to ask questions before diving in tells me you are approaching this with more thought than many people do. That, my friend, is a very good thing.

Getting right down to it, the short answer is that yes, having sex in Lake Erie does carry some risks, but it does not automatically mean you are going to walk away with an infection. The bigger question is whether those risks are worth it for you. Whenever we talk about sex in natural bodies of water, it helps to understand that lakes are very different from showers, bathtubs, or even swimming pools. One of the biggest misconceptions people have is that water acts like lubricant. Unfortunately, it often does the opposite. Water can wash away your body’s natural lubrication, which may create more friction than you would expect. That friction can lead to irritation, small tears in sensitive genital tissue, and discomfort during or after sex. I don’t know about you, but when I am having sex, the wetter the better. If penetration is involved, this is one of the most common complaints people report after having sex in water.

A lake also comes with something your shower does not: microorganisms. As much crap Lake Erie gets from people, literally and figuratively, it is generally safe for swimming when water quality levels are acceptable. Key word here is acceptable. But remember that lakes naturally contain bacteria, algae, parasites, and other organisms. Most of the time our bodies handle exposure just fine. However, if friction during sex creates tiny abrasions in the skin, there may be a slightly greater opportunity for bacteria to enter the body, and that is not something that sounds fun to me. This does not mean an infection is guaranteed, but it is one reason healthcare professionals and sex therapists tend to be cautious when discussing sex in natural bodies of water.

Interestingly, if you told me you wanted to have sex in a swimming pool, that would present a different set of concerns. While pools are treated with chemicals that help reduce bacteria, chlorine can be irritating to genital tissue. Lakes do not have chlorine, but they do contain naturally occurring organisms and whatever runoff, debris, or contaminants happen to be present that day. You mentioned already having had sex in a shower and that experience probably felt less risky. A shower is different from both because the water is constantly flowing and generally much cleaner. Plus, most people are not fully submerged in a shower the way they would be in a lake.

Now, let’s transition a little and talk about safe sex. If you and your boyfriend use condoms, there are a few extra things to consider. Water itself does not ruin condoms, but sand, rocks, rough surfaces, and vigorous movement can increase the likelihood of breakage. If you decide to use a condom, make sure it is put on before entering the water and that it fits properly. Adding a silicone-based lubricant can also help reduce friction since water tends to wash away natural lubrication. While these precautions can help lower the risk of irritation, condom failure, and infection, there is no way to eliminate that risk entirely. Safe sex is often about reducing risk as much as possible, not guaranteeing that nothing will ever go wrong.

I am unsure if you have ever been in Lake Erie, you know what they say about assuming, but there are also some practical concerns beyond infections that I want you to consider. Lake Erie can have strong currents, uneven footing, sharp rocks, boat traffic, and limited visibility depending on where you are. What sounds sexy in theory can quickly become awkward when someone loses their balance, steps on a zebra mussel, or realizes they are directly in the path of a 1988 Carver. Also, not to be a buzzkill, but public sex can carry legal consequences depending on where you are and who happens to see you. Nothing screams sexy quite like explaining yourself to a park ranger.

At the end of the day, this comes down to your comfort level. Would it be something I would do? Absolutely not. But the beauty of autonomy and consent is that you get to decide this for yourself. You do not need a medical reason to say no. If the idea feels exciting, there are ways to reduce risk and make it safer. If the idea makes you hesitant, that is enough reason to pause and reconsider. One of the most important parts of a healthy sexual relationship is being able to say, “I am not sure about this,” and having a partner respect that uncertainty. Curiosity about exploring something new with sex is awesome. Enthusiasm about it is even better. If you decide to venture into Lake Erie, make sure both of you are bringing plenty of both. But if it was up to me, I would just stick with the shower.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

Subscribe to Cleveland Scene newsletters.

Follow us: Apple News | Google News | NewsBreak | Reddit | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | Or sign up for our RSS Feed

The post Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: Should I Have Sex in Lake Erie? appeared first on Cleveland Scene.